Apoxalypse Now Transcript

to be continued

00:00:00 Oh, mom, there isn't a badge for everything, I've told you a million times. 00:00:07 [Grunting and straining audibly] [squeals]

[humming] .. 00:00:16 Oh, yes, hello, hello, this is benjamin higgenbottom, freelance sidekick.

00:00:21 Ben, the time has come for you to serve the mighty b. 00:00:24 Meet me in the hive in 0-500 seconds.

00:00:27 [Breathes heavily]

benjamin, I'm gonna show you something. 00:00:31 Something secret and awesome. 00:00:33 But first you have to swear to accept this super-important mission. 00:00:38 I swear, I swear, show me, show me.

00:00:41 [Grunts]

Ben: Whoa, what is this? 00:00:54 Bessie: This, my trial-sidekick, is exactly what I look like. 00:01:00 A chicken pox bunker. 00:01:02 It can be modified to accommodate mumps and measles. 00:01:05 But you're not sick.

00:01:07 Exactly. 00:01:08 Cursed with a superior immune system I stayed healthy when all the other pre-schoolers took ill. 00:01:12 I've waited five long years for another chicken pox outbreak and this one is not passing me by. 00:01:19 That's where you come in. 00:01:21 I'm ready, what's my mission? 00:01:22 Care package, hand-delivered to gwen. 00:01:25 But I don't want to go to a sick person's house. 00:01:28 You have to, ben. 00:01:29 You already had the chicken pox, so you can't get it again. 00:01:32 Don't you see? 00:01:34 You're indestructible. 00:01:36 And besides, I can't trust a mission like this to a dog. 00:01:42 [Laughs] four-legs. 00:01:49 Nice dress.

00:01:51 It is a smock. 00:01:52 And this is a care package. 00:02:05 [Bessie grunts]

so then when there's just enough water to cover the bottom of the tub you pour in one cup of the oatmeal and then stir it every 10 seconds. 00:02:21 [Coughing]

Ben: When I got it, I had it for, like, six months. 00:02:53 And I had a fever of 112.

00:03:01 [Grunts] [frog croaks]

ah.

00:03:16 I don't remember any of it, 'cause I also got amnesia. 00:03:20 So basically I'm immune, you know, indestructible? 00:03:24 Oh, let me get that for you. 00:03:26 Hey, it's like connect-the-dots. 00:03:29 There's the bunny and a hat. 00:03:31 Ooh, and there's the big dipper. 00:03:37 [Laughs] [screaming] [grunts]

what, huh?

00:03:54 [Screams]

uh, and that's why you should never pick a scab. 00:04:04 Have a nice day, bye. 00:04:11 98.6, 98.6 AND A 10th. 00:04:15 That's good, temperature climbing. 00:04:19 Ben, I'm almost feverish. 00:04:20 I require a grilled cheese sandwich sans crust. 00:04:25 And a glass of orange juice, fresh-squeezed, if you please. 00:04:28 Hey, that rhymes. 00:04:30 Bring me my illness journal so I may record the poetry of my suffering. 00:04:34 [Groans]

Bessie: And you know what's really good for chicken pox? 00:04:38 Watermelon with seeds that you picked out by hand. 00:04:41 Served in one-inch balls. 00:04:43 That's inch, not centimeter, ben. 00:04:46 [Groans] ugh, mom, I think I'm sick. 00:04:54 Sick of bessie.

00:04:56 Oh, you don't look so good. 00:04:58 [Gasps] you're burning up. 00:05:01 We better take your temperature. 00:05:07 Mom, this is a meat thermometer. 00:05:09 Well, it was worth a shot. 00:05:11 Let's see if I can find another one. 00:05:13 Ben! I've been waiting for those melon balls for 10 minutes. 00:05:17 Need I remind you that I am bed-ridden? 00:05:21 But.. you're... not... sick.

00:05:24 [Gasps] yet. 00:05:26 I'm not sickyet. 00:05:27 What kind of brother turns his back on his own sister who has selflessly agreed to possibly consider him for superhero sidekick candidacy out of a huge pool of potential applicants. 00:05:38 [Stammering]: possibly consider? 00:05:42 [Screams]

ben, honey, I finally found a proper thermometer- ai.

00:05:52 I think I deserve an explanation. 00:05:55 Huh. 00:05:56 I guess it wasben who never had the chicken pox. 00:05:58 Let me get this straight, ididhave the chicken pox?

00:06:02 Huh, I guess you did. 00:06:04 That's right, we were living in marin. 00:06:07 I was herding goats at the time.

00:06:09 Yes, the chicken pox badge is retroactively mine. 00:06:12 It's gonna right here, right here.

00:06:16 Hey, you promised I was indestructible and you got me sick. 00:06:21 And I had to ball melon.

00:06:24 Ok, ben, ok, ben, ok, ben. 00:06:26 I'm gonna make this right. 00:06:27 As soon as I sew my new badge on. 00:06:29 [Grunts] before! 00:06:30 To the left, no, up a little more. 00:06:33 Faster, faster, slow it down, slow it down. 00:06:36 Do my wings, do my wings. 00:06:37 No, no, no, more to the right. 00:06:38 .. 00:08:50 ] Whoa... That's my spot.